I'm sorry for this one

I was doing so well this week until yesterday. I felt like I had reached some milestones such as me being able to stay home by myself during the day. This was huge for me because I always talk about not having privacy; this allowed me to gain some of that back. I was also able to leave the house by myself get on the bus and ride to downtown Atlanta. I was impressed with myself on how I handled it so well, because I ran into a few issues going from place to place but I always found a way to make it work out for me.  Then yesterday came, for those of you who know me well you know I don’t really find myself in church much. Ok lets call it what it is I haven’t went to church in over two years, probably longer than that to be honest. Yes over two years, and that with the constant nagging from my parents for me to go every Saturday I might add. Well yesterday “drumroll please” I finally went to church, Im not sure if this was such a good idea. Now before I begin I have to say that I love and appreciate everything that everyone has done for me and I even appreciate the spiritual things. I mean I really and truly do. When people say that they have prayed for me I am very appreciative of that because you didn’t even have to think about me but yet you did, that to me in it self means the world to me. I have to say this because I have learned that this is a sensitive subject and people always seem to get upset if you don’t agree with them or feel the same way they do. Now lets get back yesterday, going to church brought up old feelings of boredom, irritation, and annoyance. Boredom because I rather be home watching the LSU vs Georgia game, Irritation and annoyance because I had about 30 to 40 people walk up to me and say that there prayers have been answered and it’s a blessing to see me out the house. As people continued to say that and make statements such as God is in control and I will be healed by the grace of God I began to get more and more irritated. I actually need to pause for a second because as I write this rite now my blood begins to boil. Because what I can’t understand is how people see can see all of this negative happening to me and say “God is in control”. When people say this too me I almost always want to say God is in control of the fact that I cant walk rite now REALLY!. Scratch that how bout the fact that I have to take about 20 pills a day so I wont be in extreme unbearable pain, or won’t even be able to move my legs. How bout the fact that I have to wear a depends because at any moment I can defecate and pee on my self, YES ME A GROWN MAN AT THE AGE OF 26. What about the fact that I take showers outside, or that I sleep in the living room, or the fact that my family is going in serious debt trying to pay for medical bills and accommodations so that I can function as a human being. Well if God is in control of all this then he failing in a lot of areas if you ask me.  I’ve also heard that maybe this is happening to me so that I can come back to the church. What about the other people at the Shepard center or around the world who have spinal cord injuries did God do this to them so they can come back to church too. If so that’s a sick and twisted way of going about things if you ask me. I’ve heard that maybe God was trying to change the path I was heading down or change me as person. To be honest I don’t think I’m a bad person in fact I think I am too nice in a lot of ways, so that’s the person who needed to be changed. That also gets me to think about my friend Cassie who has NMO also who I don’t think has a bad bone in her body, God couldn’t have did this to her for that reasoning. If this is the case I can give you a numerous amount of names of people who I have encountered in my life who this should happen to then. I’ve been avoiding talking like this because I know many of the people who know me and read this are very religious, but I had to get that off my chest because this is the way I feel about it all. Sometimes I hate the fact that I grew up in a religious background because when everyone feels one-way, I’m the black sheep. The black sheep who just needs more prayer so he can change his way of thinking. I’m sorry if I offended any of my readers, Im sorry Ill try my best to stick to the happy feel good posts from now on.

State of Mind

So again I really need to get better with posting. Ive decide to set a goal for myself to a post at least once a week even if it's short or doesn't have much substance in it. I feel like sometimes I maybe skipping out on vital info by posting ever couple of weeks or so. Either way I been good for the most part. Still learning day by day about my condition and how to work with it. It's crazy all the paraplegics I've met have been so great and helpful with anything, and I do mean everything. I could remember back in April when I first lost the use of my legs I was intruded by my physical therapist to a young lady named Cassie who had NMO like me. After meeting Cassie I think my outlook and mindset began to change on being a para. I could remember her walking in the door with a smile and me thinking what is she happy and smiling for that has to be fake. But after spending an hour with her I realized that she was genuinely happy. What is even more crazy is that her story is worse than mine. My situation with my legs progressively got worse a years time but she littery woke up one day and could not move her legs. Also I was able to immediately seek help and physical therapy when this started. For Cassie coming from a small town in Oklahoma the doctors had no clue how to help her. So for years she was not able to receive the proper treatment, needless to say this caused things to get worse for her before they got better. Cassie lost the use of the motor functions in her hand and went blind for a year. Along with all of that she was never able to receive physical therapy because her insurance didn't want to pay for it. But the will on this girl is amazing. She still went on to achieve her doctorate in science and is currently traveling the world breaking records and winning medals for wheels chair sports such as cycling, shot-put, and track and field. This girl is totally amazing. If meeting this girl won't inspire you then it's just not meant for you to ever feel that emotion. I personally felt a lot better about everything after meeting her. But that's how all the other paraplegics are also. I've realized that not everyone could be in the position that we are in and take it in stride. It's almost like we were chosen for this. That's the mind set that everyone gives off. It's definitely something that I want to adopt for myself. So even though I'm no longer in therapy I've been trying to still do things to further myself. I've been pushing the trail by my house with my sister and cousins. I'm also thinking of possibly going back to school, which is big for me because after six years of going to school and not achieving anything it would be good to get something under my belt. Well see how it all works out though. All I know is that my state of mind is something that will make or break my new and old endeavors.

Being Content

Being content with your life is something that I don’t ever think I will be. I can imagine myself being 50 years old and still wanting to tweak something about myself. I remember when this all started happening meaning the relapses were coming one after the other. I was so depressed. I knew at the rate I was going I would eventually end up in a wheelchair. I thought that there was no way I could be happy living my life in a wheelchair. To be honest my depression was so bad I ended up in physic ward for about a week. At that point the thoughts that raced through my head we that there was no point of living if I was going to be in a wheelchair. That week in the physic ward was the last time I saw function in my legs. In fact I literally walked into Emory Hospital that day and haven’t walked since. After that week I was then transferred over to the acute rehab side of the building. I ended up staying there for a 3 to 4 weeks. I could remember being totally convinced that I had to walk again, and that I was going to make it happen. While in therapy I would strain every working muscle in attempts to get some type of movement out of my legs. I was trying so hard that I could remember at one point straining my neck in attempts to achieve movement, which left me in extreme pain for about a week. I continued to tell my physical therapist I want to walk again, and I would focus all my efforts towards that. What I didn’t realize is that the amount of pressure I was putting on myself made things worse for me. By telling myself that I was going to get better and not progressing like I wanted kept me in a deep state of depression. I can look back at that now and be happy or at least satisfied with the progress I’ve made psychologically.  Though I’m nowhere close to where I need to be, but by slightly adjusting my attitude towards being in a wheelchair is a step in the right direction. I’m not saying it won’t be difficult, everyday I find out something else that I’m going to have to learn to do differently. But what I’m also learning is that literally any and everything can be done from a chair. So despite my disabilities nothing should hold me back. 

YOU WILL WALK AGAIN

Well people it been a while since we last talked. Ima try catch you guys up to speed with everything. I'm still at the Shepard Center. They have switched me to a different program though. The last program I was in was really dry and boring and I guess they saw the irritation and boredom on my face, so they switched me to something they call "day program" which consist of me being at the center from 9 to 4 everyday. Which is a lot better than me coming downtown every couple of days for a hour session then going back home. It's crazy because I actually like it. It's almost like a mini community here and they are teaching me not only how to function for myself in a wheelchair but that you can embrace being in a chair and there's nothing wrong with that. I definitely can say that I needed this. It's hard sometimes to embrace the wheelchair situation when your family and friends are constantly telling me "YOU WILL WALK AGAIN". Then I would start to believe it, and put all my efforts into walking. Then when I continue to wake up with no movement in my legs I would get depressed. It was like a never ending cycle that continues and still continues to this day. I could remember last month I was such a dark place that I didn't even want to write on this blog. I felt like what I had to say would probably be best left inside my head and not for the public to see. You see my birthday was last month and I turned 26. The whole month all I kept thinking about was the year before and how depressed I was that I was turning 25, still living in my parents house, still didn't have a solid career, and I was nowhere near financially where I wanted to be. I thought about that and compared it to this year and all those things remained the same only I was adding that I no longer had the use of my legs. Those thoughts swarmed me like a bad disease. Though I still deem these thought to be very true I'm attempting to roll with it. No more late nights begging and pleading with God for my legs back. I have to focus on what I can do for me and that is learn to embrace it for what it is. And if so happens that one day I do get my legs back I will roll with it just the same. Not to say Ive fully grasped this concept yet but it is definitely a seed I'm trying to plant in my brain now.

My month!

I have been really bad with posting. To be honest I've been in such a dark place that I've choose to not to post and share my thoughts. I will return soon but in the mean time I will post some pictures of the month I've had. 

Hot or Cold

I don’t know where to begin today. So many things going on that it’s got my mind all over the place. I’ve officially started my physical therapy. Have a full schedule and everything. Yea it took a couple of months but I now go to Shepard Center three times a week. My family is ecstatic about it and continues to say that this will get me back on my feet. I love their enthusiasm but I honestly wish they would stop putting those thoughts in my head, because when I start to believe that I begin to get into a mode of waiting for it to happen. My life is going on rite now and I continue to waste time “waiting to get back on my feet”. Time is something we will never get back so I have to be careful how much time I sit around waiting for this to happen. What if I never do? I think the toughest part about all of this is the balance of the two beliefs. The belief that you will get back to 100 percent and the belief that this is what it is and your life may just have a wheel chair in it permanently. It’s weird because you almost have to straddle the fence with the two ideas, and I was never one for that type of thinking. At a young age I decided that I when it comes to beliefs and ideas I would either be hot or cold, and never lukewarm. So it’s hard to change the way you think but this what I have to do. If I have to keep both beliefs in my mind I have to learn to do that. I told a friend today that things will change and I will try to go back to managing my life and moving forward with the situation I have. No more waiting around but starting to live again, and at the same time still work hard at getting on my feet. That way if I never get back on my feet at least Ill have the life I built for my self.   

Weight shifts

It feels like I haven’t posted in a while. This is probably because I haven’t. I again apologize for this. Well let’s get to it, this week was the week of my first evaluation at Shepard Hospital and I must say it went well. I like it there. It’s almost like a mini community for people with disabilities. During the evaluation the physical therapist had me do a couple of things to test my range of motion and test my current abilities. Of course after everything I had to ask if I would get back to normal and she said it was to early to tell and that she would have to work with me some more. So I think I will approach the question again in about three weeks. After we were done they said there were going to call to set up a schedule for next week but I haven’t heard from them as of yet and to be honest I’m getting kind of restless. You see I understand that I have a six month window where my likely hood for getting back to full strength is the greatest. My relapse happened at the beginning of April so that means I’m already nearing the end of my 3^rd month, and I’m not getting a little anxious about everything. But regardless I think they can help me. She seemed to know a lot about my condition and told me things about myself I didn’t even realize. One big thing is that I “weight shift” without thought. I know a lot of you guys are like what is “weight shift.” Well the best way to explain it is have you ever sat on a hard bench and you butt began to hurt. Hurt so much to the point that you would have to get up. Well this is because we have the ability to sense when we have been sitting in a certain spot for too long and blood is not flowing to that area of our body. Well in the cases of someone who has no sensation or weak sensation in those areas such as myself there is nothing to make us aware that we need to shift our weight or get up and let blood flow back to those areas. So every 30 minutes we have to shift our weight to one side for a minute, and then to the other side for another minute to prevent skin sores. Skin sores in some cases can be really hard to treat and can even lead to serious infection and death. In fact we all know Christopher Reeve who played Superman for many years but fell off a horse, which left him fully paralyzed. He died due to a skin sore infection. Me doing “weight shifts” subconsciously means that I’m being to get more sensation back which is a good thing. So I ultimately have to be thankful rite? As far as everything else goes I have to continue to have patience that things will fall through.