I was doing so well this week until yesterday. I felt like I had reached some milestones such as me being able to stay home by myself during the day. This was huge for me because I always talk about not having privacy; this allowed me to gain some of that back. I was also able to leave the house by myself get on the bus and ride to downtown Atlanta. I was impressed with myself on how I handled it so well, because I ran into a few issues going from place to place but I always found a way to make it work out for me. Then yesterday came, for those of you who know me well you know I don’t really find myself in church much. Ok lets call it what it is I haven’t went to church in over two years, probably longer than that to be honest. Yes over two years, and that with the constant nagging from my parents for me to go every Saturday I might add. Well yesterday “drumroll please” I finally went to church, Im not sure if this was such a good idea. Now before I begin I have to say that I love and appreciate everything that everyone has done for me and I even appreciate the spiritual things. I mean I really and truly do. When people say that they have prayed for me I am very appreciative of that because you didn’t even have to think about me but yet you did, that to me in it self means the world to me. I have to say this because I have learned that this is a sensitive subject and people always seem to get upset if you don’t agree with them or feel the same way they do. Now lets get back yesterday, going to church brought up old feelings of boredom, irritation, and annoyance. Boredom because I rather be home watching the LSU vs Georgia game, Irritation and annoyance because I had about 30 to 40 people walk up to me and say that there prayers have been answered and it’s a blessing to see me out the house. As people continued to say that and make statements such as God is in control and I will be healed by the grace of God I began to get more and more irritated. I actually need to pause for a second because as I write this rite now my blood begins to boil. Because what I can’t understand is how people see can see all of this negative happening to me and say “God is in control”. When people say this too me I almost always want to say God is in control of the fact that I cant walk rite now REALLY!. Scratch that how bout the fact that I have to take about 20 pills a day so I wont be in extreme unbearable pain, or won’t even be able to move my legs. How bout the fact that I have to wear a depends because at any moment I can defecate and pee on my self, YES ME A GROWN MAN AT THE AGE OF 26. What about the fact that I take showers outside, or that I sleep in the living room, or the fact that my family is going in serious debt trying to pay for medical bills and accommodations so that I can function as a human being. Well if God is in control of all this then he failing in a lot of areas if you ask me. I’ve also heard that maybe this is happening to me so that I can come back to the church. What about the other people at the Shepard center or around the world who have spinal cord injuries did God do this to them so they can come back to church too. If so that’s a sick and twisted way of going about things if you ask me. I’ve heard that maybe God was trying to change the path I was heading down or change me as person. To be honest I don’t think I’m a bad person in fact I think I am too nice in a lot of ways, so that’s the person who needed to be changed. That also gets me to think about my friend Cassie who has NMO also who I don’t think has a bad bone in her body, God couldn’t have did this to her for that reasoning. If this is the case I can give you a numerous amount of names of people who I have encountered in my life who this should happen to then. I’ve been avoiding talking like this because I know many of the people who know me and read this are very religious, but I had to get that off my chest because this is the way I feel about it all. Sometimes I hate the fact that I grew up in a religious background because when everyone feels one-way, I’m the black sheep. The black sheep who just needs more prayer so he can change his way of thinking. I’m sorry if I offended any of my readers, Im sorry Ill try my best to stick to the happy feel good posts from now on.
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