Being Content

Being content with your life is something that I don’t ever think I will be. I can imagine myself being 50 years old and still wanting to tweak something about myself. I remember when this all started happening meaning the relapses were coming one after the other. I was so depressed. I knew at the rate I was going I would eventually end up in a wheelchair. I thought that there was no way I could be happy living my life in a wheelchair. To be honest my depression was so bad I ended up in physic ward for about a week. At that point the thoughts that raced through my head we that there was no point of living if I was going to be in a wheelchair. That week in the physic ward was the last time I saw function in my legs. In fact I literally walked into Emory Hospital that day and haven’t walked since. After that week I was then transferred over to the acute rehab side of the building. I ended up staying there for a 3 to 4 weeks. I could remember being totally convinced that I had to walk again, and that I was going to make it happen. While in therapy I would strain every working muscle in attempts to get some type of movement out of my legs. I was trying so hard that I could remember at one point straining my neck in attempts to achieve movement, which left me in extreme pain for about a week. I continued to tell my physical therapist I want to walk again, and I would focus all my efforts towards that. What I didn’t realize is that the amount of pressure I was putting on myself made things worse for me. By telling myself that I was going to get better and not progressing like I wanted kept me in a deep state of depression. I can look back at that now and be happy or at least satisfied with the progress I’ve made psychologically.  Though I’m nowhere close to where I need to be, but by slightly adjusting my attitude towards being in a wheelchair is a step in the right direction. I’m not saying it won’t be difficult, everyday I find out something else that I’m going to have to learn to do differently. But what I’m also learning is that literally any and everything can be done from a chair. So despite my disabilities nothing should hold me back.