Being Content

Being content with your life is something that I don’t ever think I will be. I can imagine myself being 50 years old and still wanting to tweak something about myself. I remember when this all started happening meaning the relapses were coming one after the other. I was so depressed. I knew at the rate I was going I would eventually end up in a wheelchair. I thought that there was no way I could be happy living my life in a wheelchair. To be honest my depression was so bad I ended up in physic ward for about a week. At that point the thoughts that raced through my head we that there was no point of living if I was going to be in a wheelchair. That week in the physic ward was the last time I saw function in my legs. In fact I literally walked into Emory Hospital that day and haven’t walked since. After that week I was then transferred over to the acute rehab side of the building. I ended up staying there for a 3 to 4 weeks. I could remember being totally convinced that I had to walk again, and that I was going to make it happen. While in therapy I would strain every working muscle in attempts to get some type of movement out of my legs. I was trying so hard that I could remember at one point straining my neck in attempts to achieve movement, which left me in extreme pain for about a week. I continued to tell my physical therapist I want to walk again, and I would focus all my efforts towards that. What I didn’t realize is that the amount of pressure I was putting on myself made things worse for me. By telling myself that I was going to get better and not progressing like I wanted kept me in a deep state of depression. I can look back at that now and be happy or at least satisfied with the progress I’ve made psychologically.  Though I’m nowhere close to where I need to be, but by slightly adjusting my attitude towards being in a wheelchair is a step in the right direction. I’m not saying it won’t be difficult, everyday I find out something else that I’m going to have to learn to do differently. But what I’m also learning is that literally any and everything can be done from a chair. So despite my disabilities nothing should hold me back. 

YOU WILL WALK AGAIN

Well people it been a while since we last talked. Ima try catch you guys up to speed with everything. I'm still at the Shepard Center. They have switched me to a different program though. The last program I was in was really dry and boring and I guess they saw the irritation and boredom on my face, so they switched me to something they call "day program" which consist of me being at the center from 9 to 4 everyday. Which is a lot better than me coming downtown every couple of days for a hour session then going back home. It's crazy because I actually like it. It's almost like a mini community here and they are teaching me not only how to function for myself in a wheelchair but that you can embrace being in a chair and there's nothing wrong with that. I definitely can say that I needed this. It's hard sometimes to embrace the wheelchair situation when your family and friends are constantly telling me "YOU WILL WALK AGAIN". Then I would start to believe it, and put all my efforts into walking. Then when I continue to wake up with no movement in my legs I would get depressed. It was like a never ending cycle that continues and still continues to this day. I could remember last month I was such a dark place that I didn't even want to write on this blog. I felt like what I had to say would probably be best left inside my head and not for the public to see. You see my birthday was last month and I turned 26. The whole month all I kept thinking about was the year before and how depressed I was that I was turning 25, still living in my parents house, still didn't have a solid career, and I was nowhere near financially where I wanted to be. I thought about that and compared it to this year and all those things remained the same only I was adding that I no longer had the use of my legs. Those thoughts swarmed me like a bad disease. Though I still deem these thought to be very true I'm attempting to roll with it. No more late nights begging and pleading with God for my legs back. I have to focus on what I can do for me and that is learn to embrace it for what it is. And if so happens that one day I do get my legs back I will roll with it just the same. Not to say Ive fully grasped this concept yet but it is definitely a seed I'm trying to plant in my brain now.

My month!

I have been really bad with posting. To be honest I've been in such a dark place that I've choose to not to post and share my thoughts. I will return soon but in the mean time I will post some pictures of the month I've had. 

Hot or Cold

I don’t know where to begin today. So many things going on that it’s got my mind all over the place. I’ve officially started my physical therapy. Have a full schedule and everything. Yea it took a couple of months but I now go to Shepard Center three times a week. My family is ecstatic about it and continues to say that this will get me back on my feet. I love their enthusiasm but I honestly wish they would stop putting those thoughts in my head, because when I start to believe that I begin to get into a mode of waiting for it to happen. My life is going on rite now and I continue to waste time “waiting to get back on my feet”. Time is something we will never get back so I have to be careful how much time I sit around waiting for this to happen. What if I never do? I think the toughest part about all of this is the balance of the two beliefs. The belief that you will get back to 100 percent and the belief that this is what it is and your life may just have a wheel chair in it permanently. It’s weird because you almost have to straddle the fence with the two ideas, and I was never one for that type of thinking. At a young age I decided that I when it comes to beliefs and ideas I would either be hot or cold, and never lukewarm. So it’s hard to change the way you think but this what I have to do. If I have to keep both beliefs in my mind I have to learn to do that. I told a friend today that things will change and I will try to go back to managing my life and moving forward with the situation I have. No more waiting around but starting to live again, and at the same time still work hard at getting on my feet. That way if I never get back on my feet at least Ill have the life I built for my self.   

Weight shifts

It feels like I haven’t posted in a while. This is probably because I haven’t. I again apologize for this. Well let’s get to it, this week was the week of my first evaluation at Shepard Hospital and I must say it went well. I like it there. It’s almost like a mini community for people with disabilities. During the evaluation the physical therapist had me do a couple of things to test my range of motion and test my current abilities. Of course after everything I had to ask if I would get back to normal and she said it was to early to tell and that she would have to work with me some more. So I think I will approach the question again in about three weeks. After we were done they said there were going to call to set up a schedule for next week but I haven’t heard from them as of yet and to be honest I’m getting kind of restless. You see I understand that I have a six month window where my likely hood for getting back to full strength is the greatest. My relapse happened at the beginning of April so that means I’m already nearing the end of my 3^rd month, and I’m not getting a little anxious about everything. But regardless I think they can help me. She seemed to know a lot about my condition and told me things about myself I didn’t even realize. One big thing is that I “weight shift” without thought. I know a lot of you guys are like what is “weight shift.” Well the best way to explain it is have you ever sat on a hard bench and you butt began to hurt. Hurt so much to the point that you would have to get up. Well this is because we have the ability to sense when we have been sitting in a certain spot for too long and blood is not flowing to that area of our body. Well in the cases of someone who has no sensation or weak sensation in those areas such as myself there is nothing to make us aware that we need to shift our weight or get up and let blood flow back to those areas. So every 30 minutes we have to shift our weight to one side for a minute, and then to the other side for another minute to prevent skin sores. Skin sores in some cases can be really hard to treat and can even lead to serious infection and death. In fact we all know Christopher Reeve who played Superman for many years but fell off a horse, which left him fully paralyzed. He died due to a skin sore infection. Me doing “weight shifts” subconsciously means that I’m being to get more sensation back which is a good thing. So I ultimately have to be thankful rite? As far as everything else goes I have to continue to have patience that things will fall through.

Happy thoughts

You know when you get the feeling that all signs point upward, that the universe is trying to tell you something. The last couple of events that has happened to me has been like a breath of fresh air in a room that reeks of depression and bad thoughts. I hate the way I think sometimes because I let my surroundings dictate my thoughts. Something I deem bad happens to me and I’m in a bad mood, something I consider good happens and I’m in a great mood. Whereas I wish I would rid my mind of all the bad thoughts and only think happy and positive thoughts regardless of my surroundings. I was reading an Instagram post about a guy who was in pretty bad condition. He had cancer and the doctors told him he had two weeks to live. That man survived and is living a full and healthy life today. While reading his story I discovered that he was not able to walk and was bed stricken for 8 months. That was the part that hit home for me. That exactly how I am right now. This will the 3^rd month that I have been bed stricken and unable to walk, and of course the doubt comes in my mind that my normal abilities will never come back to me. A lot of the time I feel like I’m regressing instead of progressing. The ability to move my toes came back, but as of or right now I am no longer able to move them. But regardless I want to believe like this guy did. Easier said than done, it’s hard to believe you wont crash when you’re driving blind. But I do know one thing is for sure giving up and throwing in the towel is not an option.  As for my progress nothing significant this week, I continue to strengthen my back and trunk with exercises each day. This has been helping me, but a part of me is waiting until I start at Shepard next week Tuesday. Which I hate because I don’t want to rely fully on them, I want to rely on my self also but I can’t help it. Either way, lets see what happens I’m crossing my fingers for good things.

6.6.13

I know, I know it's been a while since my last post. I really need to get better with posting but alot of time I'm either sleeping or at some doctors appointment. Sometimes it get hard to find the time for this. But I will stop myself right there because that sounds like in excuse and I hate those. I just need to do better. At this point I do see some type of improvement. The improvement is really small, but I am starting to notice things like transfers and getting my legs to move in a different position to be easier. I can't wait to start at Shepard to see how they can help improve my situation. Regardless I just have to be patient and persistent. I've been trying to do small workouts for my truck and back. I've seen much improvements with being able to sit up and make movements without back support. It crazy because I want everything to happen so fast but it doesn't happen like that. I wish I can wake up tomorrow and everything be back to normal or better. But that's farfetched for my situation. Throughout this whole process patience has been the number one attribute that I've learned to have and value. If you can tell from my previous post and this one my mood is alot better these days. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe it's because I can kinda see the light at the end of the tunnel. Though its so far away it looks like a spec or star. To be honest I'm just happy I can see it. My cousin told me the other day he can't wait till this is all over regardless of the outcome. I have to agree with him. If Im going to be walking or bound to a wheelchair for the rest of my life it really doesn't matter. Of course I would love to have one outcome more than the other. But at this point I just want to close this chapter of my life and move on to the next one.