I'm sorry for this one

I was doing so well this week until yesterday. I felt like I had reached some milestones such as me being able to stay home by myself during the day. This was huge for me because I always talk about not having privacy; this allowed me to gain some of that back. I was also able to leave the house by myself get on the bus and ride to downtown Atlanta. I was impressed with myself on how I handled it so well, because I ran into a few issues going from place to place but I always found a way to make it work out for me.  Then yesterday came, for those of you who know me well you know I don’t really find myself in church much. Ok lets call it what it is I haven’t went to church in over two years, probably longer than that to be honest. Yes over two years, and that with the constant nagging from my parents for me to go every Saturday I might add. Well yesterday “drumroll please” I finally went to church, Im not sure if this was such a good idea. Now before I begin I have to say that I love and appreciate everything that everyone has done for me and I even appreciate the spiritual things. I mean I really and truly do. When people say that they have prayed for me I am very appreciative of that because you didn’t even have to think about me but yet you did, that to me in it self means the world to me. I have to say this because I have learned that this is a sensitive subject and people always seem to get upset if you don’t agree with them or feel the same way they do. Now lets get back yesterday, going to church brought up old feelings of boredom, irritation, and annoyance. Boredom because I rather be home watching the LSU vs Georgia game, Irritation and annoyance because I had about 30 to 40 people walk up to me and say that there prayers have been answered and it’s a blessing to see me out the house. As people continued to say that and make statements such as God is in control and I will be healed by the grace of God I began to get more and more irritated. I actually need to pause for a second because as I write this rite now my blood begins to boil. Because what I can’t understand is how people see can see all of this negative happening to me and say “God is in control”. When people say this too me I almost always want to say God is in control of the fact that I cant walk rite now REALLY!. Scratch that how bout the fact that I have to take about 20 pills a day so I wont be in extreme unbearable pain, or won’t even be able to move my legs. How bout the fact that I have to wear a depends because at any moment I can defecate and pee on my self, YES ME A GROWN MAN AT THE AGE OF 26. What about the fact that I take showers outside, or that I sleep in the living room, or the fact that my family is going in serious debt trying to pay for medical bills and accommodations so that I can function as a human being. Well if God is in control of all this then he failing in a lot of areas if you ask me.  I’ve also heard that maybe this is happening to me so that I can come back to the church. What about the other people at the Shepard center or around the world who have spinal cord injuries did God do this to them so they can come back to church too. If so that’s a sick and twisted way of going about things if you ask me. I’ve heard that maybe God was trying to change the path I was heading down or change me as person. To be honest I don’t think I’m a bad person in fact I think I am too nice in a lot of ways, so that’s the person who needed to be changed. That also gets me to think about my friend Cassie who has NMO also who I don’t think has a bad bone in her body, God couldn’t have did this to her for that reasoning. If this is the case I can give you a numerous amount of names of people who I have encountered in my life who this should happen to then. I’ve been avoiding talking like this because I know many of the people who know me and read this are very religious, but I had to get that off my chest because this is the way I feel about it all. Sometimes I hate the fact that I grew up in a religious background because when everyone feels one-way, I’m the black sheep. The black sheep who just needs more prayer so he can change his way of thinking. I’m sorry if I offended any of my readers, Im sorry Ill try my best to stick to the happy feel good posts from now on.

State of Mind

So again I really need to get better with posting. Ive decide to set a goal for myself to a post at least once a week even if it's short or doesn't have much substance in it. I feel like sometimes I maybe skipping out on vital info by posting ever couple of weeks or so. Either way I been good for the most part. Still learning day by day about my condition and how to work with it. It's crazy all the paraplegics I've met have been so great and helpful with anything, and I do mean everything. I could remember back in April when I first lost the use of my legs I was intruded by my physical therapist to a young lady named Cassie who had NMO like me. After meeting Cassie I think my outlook and mindset began to change on being a para. I could remember her walking in the door with a smile and me thinking what is she happy and smiling for that has to be fake. But after spending an hour with her I realized that she was genuinely happy. What is even more crazy is that her story is worse than mine. My situation with my legs progressively got worse a years time but she littery woke up one day and could not move her legs. Also I was able to immediately seek help and physical therapy when this started. For Cassie coming from a small town in Oklahoma the doctors had no clue how to help her. So for years she was not able to receive the proper treatment, needless to say this caused things to get worse for her before they got better. Cassie lost the use of the motor functions in her hand and went blind for a year. Along with all of that she was never able to receive physical therapy because her insurance didn't want to pay for it. But the will on this girl is amazing. She still went on to achieve her doctorate in science and is currently traveling the world breaking records and winning medals for wheels chair sports such as cycling, shot-put, and track and field. This girl is totally amazing. If meeting this girl won't inspire you then it's just not meant for you to ever feel that emotion. I personally felt a lot better about everything after meeting her. But that's how all the other paraplegics are also. I've realized that not everyone could be in the position that we are in and take it in stride. It's almost like we were chosen for this. That's the mind set that everyone gives off. It's definitely something that I want to adopt for myself. So even though I'm no longer in therapy I've been trying to still do things to further myself. I've been pushing the trail by my house with my sister and cousins. I'm also thinking of possibly going back to school, which is big for me because after six years of going to school and not achieving anything it would be good to get something under my belt. Well see how it all works out though. All I know is that my state of mind is something that will make or break my new and old endeavors.